For the past several years things have gone wrong for me. My fortune lost, my wife left, my health failing, and my hopes fading. Last night was one to remember – or maybe one I should forget. I have not been sick this long since boot camp in the Navy. A general sinus/respiratory winter bug picked up at Thanksgiving has morphed and remained and the year is almost gone. To compound this I got a hernia about a month ago as well and when I went to a Dr. to have it looked at I found my b.p. was 200/100 and I suspect my A1C was back up to 600 as it was in 2012 when I took my last physical exam (I declined the blood-work – I didn’t want to hear any more bad news).
Last night as I coughed up maybe a cup of fluid from my lungs and could hear that “old mans friend” rattle in my chest, I realized I was seriously sick. Living out here at my ranch is beautiful but isolated. Especially now with a foot of snow on the ground. We plow the roads with the ATV which recently had decided not to do 4WD in reverse rendering it very susceptible to getting stuck. I tried my chains but unfortunately, due to having gotten new tires that happen to be bigger, they don’t fit. The winch on my truck has turned out to be a life saver.
I have been listening to teaching tapes about how the true source of sickness is really in our minds – or more accurately, our hearts. So I have been trying to “relax” and trust God and be at peace. I created an ‘Alter of God’s Cares’ upon which I have written all my cares and walk by it several times a day to remind myself that “those problems” are not mine to worry about.
As I coughed and sniffled most of last night trying to find a little REM sleep, a nasty thought came into my mind – do I have lung cancer? My mom died of that stuff when she was 61 and I am now 59. I dismissed it quickly, not needing another problem to worry about.
I hate doctors and hospitals with a passion. I simply know too much and I don’t trust them at all. All they do is hunt for problems and then push drugs to fix them. They raise the stress levels to the sky as they predict your imminent demise because your numbers are out of whack. I don’t mind knowing when something is wrong but the solutions they offer just make things worse in the long run. At my last checkup they began to ask me a series of questions about depression and I found I was quite depressed. Later it came to mind that answering those questions will go into my medical record forever and maybe 20 years from now could be used by a death-panel to euthanize me. I wish I hadn’t participated. I trust them like I do the IRS and lawyers.
I know I live with tons of fear, mostly of government systems like the medical and legal money sucking scams we have now in the US. So far, I have been able to keep myself away from these systems but now that I am broke, that is becoming more difficult. I need to find my DD214 form so I can use VA services to get this hernia fixed at an affordable price. It’s the suction of the scam I am feeling, slowly pulling me into its vortex of “health care” and “insurance” and government “benefits”. If you lose your health and your not rich, you are toast if you want to stay away from these systems. They are like parasites that come at the end of life to suck whatever you have left away from you and then leave your old dried-up carcus to the undertaker – the last scam in the line. Incidentally, I just got a solicitation last week from the same cemetery where my parents are burred on special deals for plots – just seems too coincidental to me.
I don’t think of myself as a pessimist, but a critical analyzer, looking for possible problems to avoid. I think this critical streak in me ends up mostly condemning myself with regrets from the past and worries of the future. Such things are against God’s laws and I know are sin – I am trying to purge those things from myself even as circumstances seem to be getting worse and worse. I am trying to make sure I have forgiven everyone. I want to rest in God’s provision no matter what the circumstances. I don’t want to complain and I try to do something fun and productive every day.
Sickness can be a great purging time. You are forced to rest. If you want to get better, you better eat right and get a little exercise every day. There is a good side to all suffering.
It’s just hard. It’s just really hard.