Wandering down the rabbit hole too far

DSC_4539I love to learn and I have learned a lot and yet I am sensing that our collective human knowledge is growing far faster than I can learn.  I now feel more ignorant and insignificant each new day.  The complexities of what is this life are making me feel like an infant or an ant.  My ever energetic pursuit of truth and God is faltering into a crap-shoot and my faith, though I feel is strong, is more blurred each day.

Maybe I am just watching too many YouTubes.  Maybe my energy level has degraded with age to the point of indecision and confusion.  Maybe the unknowable is creeping up on me.

Ah I long for the simplicity of the days when I was young and had all the answers – or a least enough of them to be able to convincingly answer questions of people.

I sense as I think through a question on a deep philosophical idea, that there is this creepy kind of problem like “That depends on what IS means” to almost any idea I ponder.

I just have to take rest in the words of Christ – “only believe and you shall be saved”.  God takes full responsibility for our souls, by paying the price for us, and by reducing our task to faith and simple obedience.  I pray that it is simple obedience, as anything more difficult becomes impossible to meet.  My sin is ever before me, though I cast it off onto the blood, each new day brings feelings of dissatisfaction with myself.

At some point I will die and my consciousness will transition into something I cannot now know.  Will I even be thinking after death as I think now?  If so, how can this be called “rest”?  Perhaps the loss of the fear of death will yield a true peace – but I hope I don’t become bored.

God is… infinite in every measure and clearly incomprehensible to us, again in all dimensions.  Speaking with a friend recently who was quite confident in her position with God, describing a child-like faith, I long for, yet somehow resist, I found myself uncomfortable with her simple description of her relationship with the creator of all things.

I ask, over and over, how can anyone really know God in this lifetime?

Obviously, I must become more childlike, for that is how those in the Kingdom of Heaven will be.

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About sanfords

Ex Microsoft Dev for 20 years. Currently retired at my ranch in Idaho near Kooskia. I like coaching Chess for kids so let me know if you are interested in those services.
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